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Behavior Problems - Forging New Family ties
From:
"wendolyn villafane" - w.villafane@worldnet.att.net
From: "sussana
rebeiro"- stan_sus@hotmail.com I remember reading an article
'Ways to better communicate with Kids' - Now how can you communicate to a child whose
brain cells are already activated with negative effects of an early family life problem?
This is rather a crucial situation when a six year old boy has to stay with his step dad
with shadows of real dad hovering in and out of his life. Fear, anxiety, rejection, shame
like feelings deviate the small mind and as a result he becomes aggressive, hyper,
devious. His behavior turns irrational and he lacks all discipline that is required. He
feels the inferior complex within. The child feels a sense of abandonment and especially
when there is a divorce and the child faces a stepparent. Youngsters may also feel that
the decision to remarry is a sign they are inadequate, the proof being that the parent has
chosen another partner. However, re-marriage is harder on girls as psychologists say,
stepchildren should have a disciplined family atmosphere. Behavioral specialists suggest
that a child should not be allowed to get away with murder feel and stepparent should have
authority on disciplined family rules. In cases where the child faces emotional traumas
when talking to real parent and his phones or visit makes him irks, in such cases, the
real parent should be avoided and more contact with step dad would make the child forget
himself being guilty for facing rejection. In younger kids, memories fade faster and the
child turns for love for the person who remains in constant touch with him depending on
how the step parent treat him.
Dear ilaxi, I hope you bear with my email. I am really concerned about my son's behavior. We have lavished love and attention to our 7 yr old son before our 3 yr old came along (and we try very hard upto now to still give him that love/attention even when the younger one is already there) But I don't understand why he seems not to care for his brother. Not sharing food, toys, very much impatient with his brother, fighting, etc. Plus, most of the time, I'm at a loss as to what kind of discipline will work for him...Small but irritating stuff, like when he's laughing very hard, real hard, that the laughter is really annoying to everyone around him. And when I ask him to 'soften' his joy a little or tell him to keep a little quiet, he just wouldn't listen. I don't want to resort to physical punishments but when I am stressed from work, plus the house work, I often hit him - only to be guilty of it later on. I am confused. I love them but find myself frustrated. I am now beginning to question myself as a good mother to my kids. -Marinel Dear Marinel, Siblings has ever been Homegrown rivals from age old time. Authors like Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish has published books like Siblings Without Rivalry & How to Talk so kids will Listen & Listen so kids will Talk. However, my in-depth study on the psychology of childrens' minds reveal the facts that their attitudes are solely dependent on their circumstances and their upbringing levels at home & school. It's one thing sure any kid require is 'Love, patience & Self Esteem.' Movies like Sound of
Music painted a glowing picture of a big family with warmth, sharing and fun and ready to
support playmates. They reflect the belief that large families encourage resourcefulness,
independence and responsibility while discouraging selfishness and feeling sorry for
oneself. Psychologists
caution against casting children in specific roles: the quiet one, athletic one, smart
one, clumsy one and even a negative type can provide harmful self image that a child may
carry throughout his life. Sibling rivalry is a competition for the affection and
attention of their parents. Two best known Bible stories deal with bitter feuds between
brothers – The Cain and Abel and the rivalry of Joseph and his brothers. Sibling rivalry appears to be more intense the
closer children are in age. Example : a 7 year old boy and a 3 year old. and esp. with
children of same sex. When the relationship between the older and younger sibling is
hostile, the older one can become a model not for emulation but for rebellion. It is the
parents reaction to the sibling rivalry that strongly influence whether the children will
develop feelings of intense hostility or will be content with being no more than good
natured competitors. Sometimes,
parents assume that they treat children alike, the same rules, the same expectations, the
same opportunities – regardless of difference in age, sex and temperament.
Paradoxically, this behavior often fosters the very rivalry parents are trying to avoid.
Psychologists authors of ‘Siblings without Rivalry’ suggest that instead of
thinking of equality in everything from parental attention to music lessons, parents
should be sensitive to each child’s individual needs. Usually, when the younger child
is born, the older is bewildered one as at the corner of his mind, he is scared of his own
security and unwilling to share the parental love. Early influences play lasting roles.
Anxieties hover round the older child and the very same time when the kid is entering into
the first year schooling stages in a room full of strangers. The idea of being cut off
from one’s mother in alien surrounding and knowing the fact that the younger one is
at home, the kid fills up emotions close to panic. The new born baby isn’t a threat
to the older brother or sister but as the younger kid is little old enough to get in the
way, grabbing toys, knocking over things, pulling parents attention and more, the older
child discovers that he has to fight for his rights too. It is natural for the bigger one
to try to push his younger brother, who more often, worship his older hero despite his
injustices. ‘Dan has messed up my parking lot! All my cars were in a row!’ And like an egoecentric he still is at his age,
the older one assumes his younger brother should know better. When parents
treat kids as older ones and leave them to themselves, they treat this not as freedom but
as rejection. They begin to believe that their parents don’t love them anymore or
don’t love as much as before. The key is communication. Words can empower and give
the child the knowledge that you love them even more they can think. Are you talking about
love? Does your communication run along the lines of ‘Don’t pick on your little
brother’, ‘Don’t laugh like that’, ‘Take the trash out or Get
this’ – Your annoyance adds fuel to fire because the behavior pattern of the
child leads to his pranks due to distracted, distressed and disturbed mind, full of
helplessness and getting concluded to the point that ‘I am not wanted or rather, I am
not any more loved’ Demonstrating love
is very important and telling the child that he is so special. “I enjoy your
friendship’ or ‘I can always count on your support’ or ‘You make me
feel so happy and proud that you are my older son/younger son’.Such statements become
so meaningful. A parents committed dedication is counted. Compliment the child when
required. Criticize the action, not the kid. ‘Don’t hit your brother or
‘Heyy you, don’t disturb me. Can’t you see I am tired and busy after a
lousy day and top of it, I’ve things to do’ Instead hush up ‘Sam, without
my having to tell you, you gotta help me boy. I need your help’. Sometimes, parents
pop up the past saying ‘This is the seventh time this month you’ve been told to
be good. You’re being naughty again. Repetition only lands up making the child dumb
head as they hear not love and encouragement but nagging. Another mistake parents often
make is that as adults, they set rules and think that they don’t have to apologize.
They feel the guilt but do not deem important to make amends. We have same
responsibilities to our children as we do to our adult friends, spouse or co-workers and
hence, if you are wrong, admit and say so to the child in a nice way. Sometimes busy
schedules make it difficult to cope up and avoid Listening to your kid. Let him know you
are listening with heart and mind. Don’t be defensive saying ‘come say fast, you
are slow, I believe you are telling me..’ When a parent listens, kids know that you
care and respect them. They will know they are emotionally secure in your love. Self esteem is
very important which determines their inner wellness. A child need to be physically safe
(freedom from physical harm), emotional security, identity (who am I ), affiliation (a
sense of belonging), Competence (how capable one feels) and his role as elder
brother/younger brother. Let not the kid face ‘victim’ behavior. Every child
needs a healthy self esteem. School dropouts, drug abuse, destructive behavior, for the
most part, have a lot to do with a child’s self esteem. The child would not develop
warm relationship due to damaged sense of self. The need for positive self regard is
obvious. The higher children’s self esteem, the more secure, decisive, friendly,
trusting, cheerful, optimistic and purposeful they are. They feel responsibility and have
control over their own actions. If they possess higher self esteem, they find ways to get
along with others and respond positively and strive to be useful, helpful, purposeful and
responsible. Above all, the child with self esteem feels more secure and overcome fear and
anxiety. They treat others with respect and their mannerisms change from being destructive
and damaging. Concentrate on constructive ways of changing behavior and get to discipline
without shouting or spanking. Try to avoid power struggles by avoiding beat-the-clock
technique saying ‘get to bed faster’ or the like. Punishments has impact because
of its certainty not severity. Discuss consequences in advance with children. They need to
understand that they are responsible for their actions. Children need continuity of
guidance and when they learn the consequences of their acts, it teaches them to be
responsible for what they do. When we say ‘Don’t do that to your brother’,
we tend to overlook the good behavior we see. Children need to see both sides of the
results of their behavior. Just as ignoring rules and misbehaving have consequences, being
good and behaving well have consequences. Just as one do with bad behavior, emphasize
specifically what good behavior brought about the consequence. ‘Bins, you did a good
job by keeping all things organized in your room’ . Instead of a Don’t
touch…don’t do, praises of good actions makes them know you love and care too. Teaching kids
spirituality is a part sometimes parents ignore. Moral science is one topic that builds
their faith in god and make them ‘Be good, Do good’ Tell them spiritual stories,
songs at bed time or stories that has good morals to boost the innocent mind. Teach
prayers. Children live what they see. Children who grow up seeing parents believing in
god’s existence and ability to hear and answer their prayers learn to believe the
power of prayer at a young age and will remember life time. This would shake their
conscious and find answers between what’s good, what’s bad and adopt better
behavior patterns. Things begin to straighten off as time flies. Room is made
for the growth of tender, loving and protective feelings toward the younger sibling or
older as case be. A time comes when the two form a world, maybe defend or disagree but
also find solace in one another’s company when they are lonely esp. when the parents
not around. ‘It’s mine, I had it first’ sort of resentment, pushing and
hitting is replaced with closeness, of love, sharing joys and sorrows. Parents who find
such sibling problems can recall how you felt being low man on the totem pole. If you were
the oldest, you may lean backward to see that the older child never experiences the
jealousy you felt. And, while we usually love all our children with the same amount of
love, we love each of them differently. It makes a child happier to know (when they are
able to understand) that you love them both the ‘best’ in different ways. These
are your children’s trials in dealing with their first intense emotions of jealousy
and self worth and these are the times when as a parent one helps them how to share, give
and take, a basis for loving well. Getting frustrated with Siblings problems is no
solution – god has fashioned a way of loving and nurturing the tender hearts with
warmth and love which is the real ‘roots of love’ – all about loving
relationships! From: Sarah Cavazos Dear ilaxi, -Sarah Dear Sarah, Competitions do not mean winning or standing first or in order. It gives opportunity to experience and find way out from losing to winning edge. Let the kid learn from experience so as not to let this frustration flick back again. ‘Everyone likes to win but most of, its good you are enjoying and having fun’ should be the attitude that keeps the child hooked to the Sport. Participating in the School field day itself helps to build confidence but if luck do not favour or for some reason, the child fails, his willingness to accept defeat is on back seat. Why me? Why I lost? And this frustration plays the role of your child's mental process. Feelings of hopelessness and guilt has taken roots within his brain cells and he seems to be hurt to extent that makes him fling things, be destructive, have a sense of withdrawal from people and hve unreasonable fears or phobias that he is a failure and cannot accept defeat under any circumstances. In such situations, I feel that a parental / teacher's attitude towards the child can pull him out of his hurt feelings and face defeat in a positive manner:
Some kids tend to be aggressive and always be the winner. It is during these times Sports Spirits instill the faith, courage, loyalty, tolerance, brotherhood, all natural virtues which prepare to support in difficult situations without weaknesses. Anger, frustration, self pity, all the so called negative emotions generaly have a bad effect on performances, afterall. - ilaxi, ( Suggested Reading : Honing skills - Whiff of sports) Coming Next...... Sir i have son who is
10 year old.He is really intelligent, pick up things very - priya Dear Mam,
FREE
COUNSELING!!!
Back to PARENTING INDEX
Parents/Teachers News Space - HELPING KIDS COPE WITH STRESS,
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 Buy Here Review by: Blossomsmile ilaxi @ Amazon - Kidsfreesouls KIDSFREESOULS VOICES: What do you feel is a
form of punishment that will be appropriate deterrent to misbehaviour? What should be the
action of the Teacher so that the offending action is not repeated? If you were a Teacher,
what punishment would you give? Write a menu of punishments. You can even write your
bygone schooling punishment experience, scoop of punishment tales to tell. Send your
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| Kidsfreesouls
Started on: 20/12/2000 Updated on: Tuesday, February 17, 2004 |
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Editor 'Freesouls' - Kidsfreesouls Ex-Editor for 'Sambhaav Online' KIDSFREESOULS IS THE 'FREESOULS', Solo Supplement by ilaxi patel - (Beginning as 'Rasrang' Supplement Centerspread & later as Op-Ed Page) in SAMBHAAV NEWSPAPERS 'PRINT MEDIA & ONLINE WEBSITE - October 1997 TO October 2002. I have put up all Back up issues of Freesouls & added more sections for parents, kids and Teachers Online. Happy Reading:-) |
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